numb. empty.

well it's my first blog in about 2 months...
and alot has changed...
it's summertime. i can't begin to describe how long i was longing for this time to be here, and now i wish it was just already over. i'm honestly ready to just go back to school and have things semi-normal... hopefully.

i don't feel anything anymore. or at least lately.
i feel as though something is missing, like i'm empty.
you ever have those days when you just feel like no one cares? like everyone has their friends and "groups," but you just somehow feel out of the loop?
yeah... that's me. for like the past two weeks.

i don't feel productive, or motivated...
i feel as though i have all this time to give, but everyone else is simply too busy with plans already made..
and that people generally don't really care about my life.

now yes,
i know that none of that is true, and that there are many people who care about me
and have time for me, but our schedules just aren't cooperating, or whatever the case may be.

but.
it's still a feeling that i have, and that i'm growing quite tired of.
it's getting old.



and at the same time with all of this, i oddly haven't really wanted to talk to anyone about it until now, which obviously i'm over since i'm blogging about it all.
but that's not normal for me. normally i would talk to someone about this stuff like a day into it... but it's taken me this long to genuinely talk about it all.
what's wrong with me?
PLUS.
i really don't have much to complain about, honestly. i mean i have been blessed so greatly, and i know i'm very fortunate to have what i have. but i'm not gonna lie, it's still not a fun feeling.

i don't know... maybe it's God trying to teach me to rely more on Him.
that would make sense... because i have been a little (**understatement**) out of touch with Him lately.
seriously.
God is so patient and loving.
who else would let you come back to them OVER and OVER again even though they have done absolutely NOTHING to harm you or betray you, but you just keep leaving them over and over?
no one on this planet.
no one in this universe, for that matter.
only God.

yet we take His love for granted!
gah... why in the world do we do that?!
it never ceases to baffle me how i just kinda put God on the backburner in my life OVER AND OVER AGAIN.
it's maddening.




i don't know. i can't make sense of a whole lot anymore.