February 10, 2010
February 9, 2010
a piece of my heart.
okay i'm on a roll tonight with the whole blogging thing.
i think i just really want to talk right now -- i'm in one of those moods.
and this is the best way for me to talk about random things.
so... i thought i'd do a little exercise through this blog by telling you (whoever you are) a little bit about myself. and i'm going to try to focus on things that are different, unique, about me that i may not have admitted to myself before. some of these will be weird and insignificant, and some are going to be more serious and deep. here we go.
i will drink milk with anything. anything.
i have a burning desire to speak Brazilian Portuguese, yet i don't simply take advantage of that little cd i have to learn it.
awkward moments freak me out. which is unfortunate, because i create alot of those.
i have this thing that i call communication apprehension -- put in simple terms, i absolutely hate communicating with strangers. for example, i can't stand calling in pizza or asking that worker for help finding something. it's uncomfortable and weird for me, and i have to force myself to do it.
i'm obsessive about finishing things. sometimes this is good, sometimes it's not. when i'm doing something productive, obviously, it comes in handy. however, if i go on a tangent and decide to do something good yet off topic that needs to be saved for a later time and place, it can create havoc in my life.
i procrastinate, but i always finish things on time and thoroughly. kind've a paradox.
i like to say witty, humorous things, but that opportunity rarely comes with success. or at least, not major success.
i love flying in airplanes. especially private ones. (did that once.) :)
being creative is something i only wish i could be. but i should be acceptant of the logical mind God gave me.
having two different colors in one of my eyes creates very interesting reactions. i've gotten everything from, wow, that's so cool to whoa, what in the world happened? did you have an accident or something? and everything in between.
writing comes naturally to me. i don't mean that in a vain way. what i'm saying is, i don't necessarily plan out my essay before writing it. i just do it. and when i write these blogs, it's the same way. i think of one little thing, and it just expands from there.
i kind've have a photographic memory. i'm sorry, everyone who has ever told me they're jealous of that. so sorry.
part of having that little photographic memory includes seeing "visions" of streets and buildings when i'm trying to remember how to drive somewhere. it's actually kind've freaky.
i love cold weather. love it. i want to live in chicago. like really bad.
i wish i had a really tight high-tech camera so i could take really cool pictures.
i also wish i had a macbook.
and i also wish i had an iPhone.
finally, i wish i could just be content with all the blessings i have.
my biggest fear is that i will die and have lived in a false sense of salvation.
i am very ashamed of the fact that i have never led anyone to Christ.
sunshine kinda bugs me on most days.
i love cold, rainy days. the only time it gets on my nerves is when it does so for about 7 days straight.
i also love the snow. however, i don't love the fact that it does not allow me to drive anywhere.
someday i hope to go to Germany and visit my "roots." probably the only German heritage i have is my last name. i am really a mixture of a little bit of everything, so i find it quite comical to think i want to visit my roots in Germany.
Brazil is probably my favorite place in the entire world thus far. hence the desire to speak Portuguese.
i really enjoy painting, especially with my bare hands, even though i don't exactly do the most elaborate pieces.
chocolate is pretty much an obsession of mine.
i have a strange obsession type thing with teeth. for some reason, it's pretty much the first thing i notice about a person, and as shallow as it may seem, i really like to see straight pretty teeth.
i have a problem with not guarding my heart enough. it's how i get broken pretty easily, and some have taken advantage of this fact and have stomped all over my heart.
i tend to trust people too easily, as well. thinking before speaking is a difficult task for me.
mushrooms are a huge favorite of mine. raw, cooked, i don't really care. bring them on.
i love my car. my little red scion xd. i'm proud to say that i named her. she is ruthie the red II. (the II part is due to the fact that ruthie I was totaled in my first, and hopefully last, wreck.)
speaking of that wreck, i don't think any of my peers truly realize how traumatizing that wreck was for me. only adults seem to understand. i still have flashbacks to this day. and i'm not kidding. it haunts me sometimes. like the time i burst into tears when my dad yelled out as i had to slam on the brakes to avoid that fox thing that jumped out in front of me. he wasn't mad, but it scared him. it scared me too, because for some reason it triggered the sound of me screaming when i had my wreck, and all the memories came flooding through my mind.
i'm not gonna lie, dying kinda scares me. i would greatly appreciate it if God took me in my sleep, and some of my least-wanted ways to die include being shot or stabbed, drowning, burning, etc.
mentioning burning reminds me: i hate fire. i mean, i'm all for gathering around the bonfire to get warm -- from a distance. but i don't like lighting fires or being around fire too close. blowing out a flame is allright though.
i've never been in an official relationship. why? many reasons. one being that i'm picky. my standards are pretty high, so if you've come really close with me, you must be pretty special.
my love language is touch. the best way to make me feel most loved is giving me a hug (and i mean a real hug, not some light, hollow embrace you think is a hug), massages (especially hand massages. which, by the way, charity elaine definitely gives the best of those), or literally just touching me. (and no, i don't mean that in a naughty way.) haha. :) i'm not kidding here. touch is so strong for me, i crave it sometimes. it's probably one of the weirdest feelings i've ever experienced. something even more wierd, though, is the fact that i pretty much want to vomit when i see other people's PDA. i'm not even talking hard-core i'm-so-into-you PDA. even holding hands grosses me out. and it's not that i have anything against PDA. hello. i just told you my love language is touch. but for some reason i only like my own PDA. i don't like watching it with other people. i know, i'm strange.
i'm a pastor's kid. i was even baptized by my dad. which is so much more special to me now than it was at the time.
i'm a movie freak. my favorites are chick-flicks and comedy. i pretty much either want to cry or laugh. i don't really want to have to think hard about a movie.
the only sport i've ever played in my entire life was soccer. in 9th grade. yep. that's it.
i really like cooking, but i hate cleaning up.
i used to enjoy dusting, vaccuming, etc. when i was young. i know, what a weird child.
i absolutely love when i'm worshipping God and i can actually feel His presence as i get the chills all over, and i know it's Him because i was sweating 5 seconds ago.
when i exaggerate about something, i use the number five. obviously this means i only use it when a smaller number would be more appropriate. for example, instead of saying i literally had to wait 30 minutes, if it felt alot longer, i'll say, i waited like 5 hours.
i love love love sunsets. sunrises, not so much, cause i'm kinda not feeling getting up at the crack of dawn. sorry.
sometimes i love being around people, and other times i can't stand anyone being around me.
allright, final thing. as i type this it's 11:11 p.m., which means i'm probably making a wish that i have every belief will not come true. wishing gets you nowhere. yet sometimes i do it anyway, when i'm desperate. or just for fun.
okay so.
if you read that whole thing... wow. that's pretty impressive. i don't know if even i could do that. congrats.
oh, the real final thing: my favorite verse --
zephaniah 3:17.
The LORD your God is with you, He is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, He will quiet you with his love, He will rejoice over you with singing.
i think i just really want to talk right now -- i'm in one of those moods.
and this is the best way for me to talk about random things.
so... i thought i'd do a little exercise through this blog by telling you (whoever you are) a little bit about myself. and i'm going to try to focus on things that are different, unique, about me that i may not have admitted to myself before. some of these will be weird and insignificant, and some are going to be more serious and deep. here we go.
i will drink milk with anything. anything.
i have a burning desire to speak Brazilian Portuguese, yet i don't simply take advantage of that little cd i have to learn it.
awkward moments freak me out. which is unfortunate, because i create alot of those.
i have this thing that i call communication apprehension -- put in simple terms, i absolutely hate communicating with strangers. for example, i can't stand calling in pizza or asking that worker for help finding something. it's uncomfortable and weird for me, and i have to force myself to do it.
i'm obsessive about finishing things. sometimes this is good, sometimes it's not. when i'm doing something productive, obviously, it comes in handy. however, if i go on a tangent and decide to do something good yet off topic that needs to be saved for a later time and place, it can create havoc in my life.
i procrastinate, but i always finish things on time and thoroughly. kind've a paradox.
i like to say witty, humorous things, but that opportunity rarely comes with success. or at least, not major success.
i love flying in airplanes. especially private ones. (did that once.) :)
being creative is something i only wish i could be. but i should be acceptant of the logical mind God gave me.
having two different colors in one of my eyes creates very interesting reactions. i've gotten everything from, wow, that's so cool to whoa, what in the world happened? did you have an accident or something? and everything in between.
writing comes naturally to me. i don't mean that in a vain way. what i'm saying is, i don't necessarily plan out my essay before writing it. i just do it. and when i write these blogs, it's the same way. i think of one little thing, and it just expands from there.
i kind've have a photographic memory. i'm sorry, everyone who has ever told me they're jealous of that. so sorry.
part of having that little photographic memory includes seeing "visions" of streets and buildings when i'm trying to remember how to drive somewhere. it's actually kind've freaky.
i love cold weather. love it. i want to live in chicago. like really bad.
i wish i had a really tight high-tech camera so i could take really cool pictures.
i also wish i had a macbook.
and i also wish i had an iPhone.
finally, i wish i could just be content with all the blessings i have.
my biggest fear is that i will die and have lived in a false sense of salvation.
i am very ashamed of the fact that i have never led anyone to Christ.
sunshine kinda bugs me on most days.
i love cold, rainy days. the only time it gets on my nerves is when it does so for about 7 days straight.
i also love the snow. however, i don't love the fact that it does not allow me to drive anywhere.
someday i hope to go to Germany and visit my "roots." probably the only German heritage i have is my last name. i am really a mixture of a little bit of everything, so i find it quite comical to think i want to visit my roots in Germany.
Brazil is probably my favorite place in the entire world thus far. hence the desire to speak Portuguese.
i really enjoy painting, especially with my bare hands, even though i don't exactly do the most elaborate pieces.
chocolate is pretty much an obsession of mine.
i have a strange obsession type thing with teeth. for some reason, it's pretty much the first thing i notice about a person, and as shallow as it may seem, i really like to see straight pretty teeth.
i have a problem with not guarding my heart enough. it's how i get broken pretty easily, and some have taken advantage of this fact and have stomped all over my heart.
i tend to trust people too easily, as well. thinking before speaking is a difficult task for me.
mushrooms are a huge favorite of mine. raw, cooked, i don't really care. bring them on.
i love my car. my little red scion xd. i'm proud to say that i named her. she is ruthie the red II. (the II part is due to the fact that ruthie I was totaled in my first, and hopefully last, wreck.)
speaking of that wreck, i don't think any of my peers truly realize how traumatizing that wreck was for me. only adults seem to understand. i still have flashbacks to this day. and i'm not kidding. it haunts me sometimes. like the time i burst into tears when my dad yelled out as i had to slam on the brakes to avoid that fox thing that jumped out in front of me. he wasn't mad, but it scared him. it scared me too, because for some reason it triggered the sound of me screaming when i had my wreck, and all the memories came flooding through my mind.
i'm not gonna lie, dying kinda scares me. i would greatly appreciate it if God took me in my sleep, and some of my least-wanted ways to die include being shot or stabbed, drowning, burning, etc.
mentioning burning reminds me: i hate fire. i mean, i'm all for gathering around the bonfire to get warm -- from a distance. but i don't like lighting fires or being around fire too close. blowing out a flame is allright though.
i've never been in an official relationship. why? many reasons. one being that i'm picky. my standards are pretty high, so if you've come really close with me, you must be pretty special.
my love language is touch. the best way to make me feel most loved is giving me a hug (and i mean a real hug, not some light, hollow embrace you think is a hug), massages (especially hand massages. which, by the way, charity elaine definitely gives the best of those), or literally just touching me. (and no, i don't mean that in a naughty way.) haha. :) i'm not kidding here. touch is so strong for me, i crave it sometimes. it's probably one of the weirdest feelings i've ever experienced. something even more wierd, though, is the fact that i pretty much want to vomit when i see other people's PDA. i'm not even talking hard-core i'm-so-into-you PDA. even holding hands grosses me out. and it's not that i have anything against PDA. hello. i just told you my love language is touch. but for some reason i only like my own PDA. i don't like watching it with other people. i know, i'm strange.
i'm a pastor's kid. i was even baptized by my dad. which is so much more special to me now than it was at the time.
i'm a movie freak. my favorites are chick-flicks and comedy. i pretty much either want to cry or laugh. i don't really want to have to think hard about a movie.
the only sport i've ever played in my entire life was soccer. in 9th grade. yep. that's it.
i really like cooking, but i hate cleaning up.
i used to enjoy dusting, vaccuming, etc. when i was young. i know, what a weird child.
i absolutely love when i'm worshipping God and i can actually feel His presence as i get the chills all over, and i know it's Him because i was sweating 5 seconds ago.
when i exaggerate about something, i use the number five. obviously this means i only use it when a smaller number would be more appropriate. for example, instead of saying i literally had to wait 30 minutes, if it felt alot longer, i'll say, i waited like 5 hours.
i love love love sunsets. sunrises, not so much, cause i'm kinda not feeling getting up at the crack of dawn. sorry.
sometimes i love being around people, and other times i can't stand anyone being around me.
allright, final thing. as i type this it's 11:11 p.m., which means i'm probably making a wish that i have every belief will not come true. wishing gets you nowhere. yet sometimes i do it anyway, when i'm desperate. or just for fun.
okay so.
if you read that whole thing... wow. that's pretty impressive. i don't know if even i could do that. congrats.
oh, the real final thing: my favorite verse --
zephaniah 3:17.
The LORD your God is with you, He is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, He will quiet you with his love, He will rejoice over you with singing.
babbling.
part one.
i keep finding myself looking at other girls, thinking, "i wish that part about her could be something i have."
and it's not really physical things, like beauty and such.
it's things like, "hm.. i wish i could know how to put outfits together like that and, as weird as it might seem, have it look as cute as that."
or, "wow, i totally wish i could be as creative as her... i wish that the lyrics inside of my head and soul could pour out as music like she does it. how does she do that, anyway?"
there's this girl inside of my head that i kind've long to be, but i'm not sure if it would be who i really am or not.
that vintage, indie, creative, quirky, ditsy, awkward, cute, precious girl.
do i really want to be that?
i'd like to think so, but...
i just don't think it's possible.
part two.
i am so tired of school.
i am tired of feeling a slight pang of guilt as i constantly complain about the advanced classes that i signed up for. that were my choice.
but at the same time, the complaints are legit.
i am utterly, completely, absolutely -- burned out. drained. exhausted.
i'm so grateful for these two snow days we've had, because i desperately needed them.
i feel like i'm finishing empty every day yet still traveling a hundred miles with no gas.
don't you think that would be just a wee bit difficult in some type of machine?
yeah. so imagine it being done in a person. it's just a little bit tiresome.
i'm very ready for it to be May, when i will be on my junior trip to new york, d.c., and white water rafting.
i am ecstatic about this trip. plus, once we get back, i will officially be..... a senior in high school. which leads me to....
part three.
i think about 1/4 of me is not ready to be a senior. to be in the final stage of my high school career, to be growing up and almost "out on my own" (sort of), and to be moving on to college.
the other 3/4 of me could not be more ready.
i am ready to meet new people, try new things, and start learning things that i actually want to know about -- speech pathology. i can't wait.
part four. (if you're growing weary, this is the final part.)
i am absolutely sick and tired of feeling lonely. yes, i do find comfort in my relationship with God. and He does give me peace and joy. (jump for joy.)
however, i am still human, and i still have earthly desires.
i am tired of the majority of my authentic friendships being found in those i only get to see once or twice a week at church. i'm tired of having shallow, unable to be trusted people as my "friends." and i am so tired of drama i could vomit.
can we not just be straight up with people, and go about it in a nice way?
and can we not hate people for pretty much no reason? (i'm preaching to myself too here).
it's sickening.
final thing: i'm pretty sure at this point that i need to stop putting so much faith in romantic movies. because so far i have never seen a real, lasting relationship work like a fairytale.
and i'm tired of getting my hopes up for having that someday, when i'm pretty sure that's not even what i really want or need.
still... i can't help but want it sometimes. or at least something resembling that. or at least something at all.
so.
i've successfully rambled on about pretty much pointless crap for the past half hour.
but.. if you're reading this and you know me well enough, you should know that i'm pretty much like this in real life too, so why not make this a blog post. making it as real as possible.
hope you didn't fall asleep or get so bored you could cry. and, if you did, and you kept reading it all the way through, i'm pretty sure that makes you a little weirder than i am for chasing rabbits like this. so. i'm done now. glad i got it all out. :)
i keep finding myself looking at other girls, thinking, "i wish that part about her could be something i have."
and it's not really physical things, like beauty and such.
it's things like, "hm.. i wish i could know how to put outfits together like that and, as weird as it might seem, have it look as cute as that."
or, "wow, i totally wish i could be as creative as her... i wish that the lyrics inside of my head and soul could pour out as music like she does it. how does she do that, anyway?"
there's this girl inside of my head that i kind've long to be, but i'm not sure if it would be who i really am or not.
that vintage, indie, creative, quirky, ditsy, awkward, cute, precious girl.
do i really want to be that?
i'd like to think so, but...
i just don't think it's possible.
part two.
i am so tired of school.
i am tired of feeling a slight pang of guilt as i constantly complain about the advanced classes that i signed up for. that were my choice.
but at the same time, the complaints are legit.
i am utterly, completely, absolutely -- burned out. drained. exhausted.
i'm so grateful for these two snow days we've had, because i desperately needed them.
i feel like i'm finishing empty every day yet still traveling a hundred miles with no gas.
don't you think that would be just a wee bit difficult in some type of machine?
yeah. so imagine it being done in a person. it's just a little bit tiresome.
i'm very ready for it to be May, when i will be on my junior trip to new york, d.c., and white water rafting.
i am ecstatic about this trip. plus, once we get back, i will officially be..... a senior in high school. which leads me to....
part three.
i think about 1/4 of me is not ready to be a senior. to be in the final stage of my high school career, to be growing up and almost "out on my own" (sort of), and to be moving on to college.
the other 3/4 of me could not be more ready.
i am ready to meet new people, try new things, and start learning things that i actually want to know about -- speech pathology. i can't wait.
part four. (if you're growing weary, this is the final part.)
i am absolutely sick and tired of feeling lonely. yes, i do find comfort in my relationship with God. and He does give me peace and joy. (jump for joy.)
however, i am still human, and i still have earthly desires.
i am tired of the majority of my authentic friendships being found in those i only get to see once or twice a week at church. i'm tired of having shallow, unable to be trusted people as my "friends." and i am so tired of drama i could vomit.
can we not just be straight up with people, and go about it in a nice way?
and can we not hate people for pretty much no reason? (i'm preaching to myself too here).
it's sickening.
final thing: i'm pretty sure at this point that i need to stop putting so much faith in romantic movies. because so far i have never seen a real, lasting relationship work like a fairytale.
and i'm tired of getting my hopes up for having that someday, when i'm pretty sure that's not even what i really want or need.
still... i can't help but want it sometimes. or at least something resembling that. or at least something at all.
so.
i've successfully rambled on about pretty much pointless crap for the past half hour.
but.. if you're reading this and you know me well enough, you should know that i'm pretty much like this in real life too, so why not make this a blog post. making it as real as possible.
hope you didn't fall asleep or get so bored you could cry. and, if you did, and you kept reading it all the way through, i'm pretty sure that makes you a little weirder than i am for chasing rabbits like this. so. i'm done now. glad i got it all out. :)
February 3, 2010
fear.
"You of little faith, why are you so afraid?..."
why in the world are we so afraid of so many things in life?
i'm afraid of letting go.
afraid of giving my heart away.
afraid of being hurt.
afraid to trust.
afraid of death.
afraid of loving too hard.
here's the big one:
afraid to share the love of Jesus Christ that is within me, for fear of someone's disapproval of me.
why, why, WHY?!
why do i put myself through torture being afraid of so many things?
God has got it!
trust me, His plan is so much better than mine or yours, and He's got it under control!
so since i need to hear this myself, let's stop being so afraid, and give every day all we have within us, and honor God with every bone in our bodies. with every breath.
jeremiah 29:11.
God's plan is good. there is no need to fear. The God of the universe is in control.
why in the world are we so afraid of so many things in life?
i'm afraid of letting go.
afraid of giving my heart away.
afraid of being hurt.
afraid to trust.
afraid of death.
afraid of loving too hard.
here's the big one:
afraid to share the love of Jesus Christ that is within me, for fear of someone's disapproval of me.
why, why, WHY?!
why do i put myself through torture being afraid of so many things?
God has got it!
trust me, His plan is so much better than mine or yours, and He's got it under control!
so since i need to hear this myself, let's stop being so afraid, and give every day all we have within us, and honor God with every bone in our bodies. with every breath.
jeremiah 29:11.
God's plan is good. there is no need to fear. The God of the universe is in control.
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