hey.
hey!
:)
friendship.
hugs.
talking.
laughing.
investing.
authentic.
sharing.
struggling.
praying.
helping.
encouraging.
more?
confusing.
shrugging.
continuing.
still confusing.
falling.
running.
leaping.
liking.
talking..more.
closely knit.
strong friendship.
more?
fighting.
fighting.
fighting.
more struggling.
giving in.
letting go.
smooth sailing.
growing.
closer.
more?
slight struggle.
admitting.. more.
hugs.
touch.
language.
proclaiming.
sharing.
exciting.
happy.
joyful.
butterflies.
smiles... more.
thankful.
meaningful.
blessed.
iloveyou.
determined.
tense.
worried.
anxious.
devastated.
painful.
heart-wrenching.
broken heart.
uneven.
edge of tears.
no tears to cry.
crying on the inside.
sickening.
hurt.
depression.
anger.
mostly hurt.
upset.
disappointed.
naiive.
trusting.
letting go... again.
praying.
praying.
praying.
content... not quite.
working.
striving.
fighting.
fighting.
fighting.
sad.
bitter.
sick.
pain.
hurt.
anxious.
hopeful.
believing.
trusting.
faith.
content.
more?....
"and we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." romans 8:28
"this world has nothing for me,
and this world has everything.
all i could want, and nothing i need."
merry christmas.
December 24, 2009
December 22, 2009
living for today.
blissfull......
how do i describe it?
i've never been happier, or more content for that matter,
in my life...
the future...
for once, it can wait.. and it wouldn't bother me.
because here. now. this is where i am.
this is where i want to be.
yesterday is gone, tomorrow is coming,
but, today is here.
and i am soaking up every second of it..
lately i've been learning, you never know what you have until it's gone,
and you only have today to tell those who mean the most to you how much you love them.
if you let the opportunity slip by.....
it's gone.
and you can never get back that wasted time.
but not just with people.
with God, our Savior, as well.
i am so bad about putting God on the bottom of the list, on the backburner.
i think it happens to all of us. we get too caught up in life to just....
be. and breathe, with God.
and so, this is my prayer for today.
"Lord, i give you my heart.
i give you my soul.
i live for you alone.
every breath that i take,
every moment i'm awake,
Lord, have your way in me."
"this world has nothing for me,
and this world has everything.
all i could want, but nothing i need."
how do i describe it?
i've never been happier, or more content for that matter,
in my life...
the future...
for once, it can wait.. and it wouldn't bother me.
because here. now. this is where i am.
this is where i want to be.
yesterday is gone, tomorrow is coming,
but, today is here.
and i am soaking up every second of it..
lately i've been learning, you never know what you have until it's gone,
and you only have today to tell those who mean the most to you how much you love them.
if you let the opportunity slip by.....
it's gone.
and you can never get back that wasted time.
but not just with people.
with God, our Savior, as well.
i am so bad about putting God on the bottom of the list, on the backburner.
i think it happens to all of us. we get too caught up in life to just....
be. and breathe, with God.
and so, this is my prayer for today.
"Lord, i give you my heart.
i give you my soul.
i live for you alone.
every breath that i take,
every moment i'm awake,
Lord, have your way in me."
"this world has nothing for me,
and this world has everything.
all i could want, but nothing i need."
December 2, 2009
amor.
"so maybe it's true, that i can't live without you.
and maybe two is better than one...
and you've already got me coming undone." -"two is better than one" by boys like girls
are we seriously believing this stuff?
who are we kidding?
"i can't live without you."
i don't really have a good word that's not too harsh, so -- fiddlesticks.
maybe that's true for you, but not for me.
i may put Him on the backburner at times,
but God is the only one i can't live without. and i mean that completely literally.
because without His grace and salvation, i would spend life after death in hell, completely separated from Him.
and you're telling me that really it's some guy that i can't live without?
i don't think so.
yeah, i'll get married someday, and obviously he'll be very important to me,
but i could live and survive without him.
maybe i don't know what i'm talking about.
i mean, after all, i'm not married.. i haven't ever been broken up with.. i haven't lost someone like that who's that special in my life.
but i kind've don't care. i think it's important for others at least to know the truth, and what i'm learning right now: if we had no one to call a friend or family member on the planet, God would be enough.
at least, He SHOULD be enough. that's our struggle.
yes, our struggle.
just because i can recognize that a relationship won't ever be significant enough to be something i can't live without, doesn't mean that i don't care what others think or just enjoy life without trying to "get in good" with people.
we like to be accepted. it's part of our human nature.
so that's what i do. i pay too much attention to people, and their petty ways,
instead of focusing on what God has to say and what He thinks about me.
that's what we shouldn't be able to live without.
not a "significant other" or what we know as love.
and i'm just as guilty as anyone else in believing the lie.
and maybe two is better than one...
and you've already got me coming undone." -"two is better than one" by boys like girls
are we seriously believing this stuff?
who are we kidding?
"i can't live without you."
i don't really have a good word that's not too harsh, so -- fiddlesticks.
maybe that's true for you, but not for me.
i may put Him on the backburner at times,
but God is the only one i can't live without. and i mean that completely literally.
because without His grace and salvation, i would spend life after death in hell, completely separated from Him.
and you're telling me that really it's some guy that i can't live without?
i don't think so.
yeah, i'll get married someday, and obviously he'll be very important to me,
but i could live and survive without him.
maybe i don't know what i'm talking about.
i mean, after all, i'm not married.. i haven't ever been broken up with.. i haven't lost someone like that who's that special in my life.
but i kind've don't care. i think it's important for others at least to know the truth, and what i'm learning right now: if we had no one to call a friend or family member on the planet, God would be enough.
at least, He SHOULD be enough. that's our struggle.
yes, our struggle.
just because i can recognize that a relationship won't ever be significant enough to be something i can't live without, doesn't mean that i don't care what others think or just enjoy life without trying to "get in good" with people.
we like to be accepted. it's part of our human nature.
so that's what i do. i pay too much attention to people, and their petty ways,
instead of focusing on what God has to say and what He thinks about me.
that's what we shouldn't be able to live without.
not a "significant other" or what we know as love.
and i'm just as guilty as anyone else in believing the lie.
September 15, 2009
God's love and healing.
isn't it funny how people come and go?
one day, you can have a person who is your VERY best friend. i'm talking like B.F.F's. and then the next they move on and you are all alone.. or so you think.
so you go on this search for a new best friend? why do we even do that?
WHY? because we need people in our lives. but why does it have to be so hard?
people come and go.
so then you find your new best friend, but something goes wrong there. so you gotta start all over again. only this time, you never "find" another one. and at first, you feel like the lonliest person on the planet. we're talking ultimate depression here. why does this happen to me, God? is it too much to ask for a close friend to have?
but you try to adjust. you go from friend to friend, trying to find the one who you just click with, you know what i'm talking about? the one that you could say anything, anything at all, and they would totally get you, they wouldn't judge you; if you needed to vent, they would listen, if you wanted advice, they'd give it to you, etc. etc.
but alas, you can't find this person. so life itself seems to be over for you. sure, life goes on, but it doesn't mean much because when something happens, you don't have this person to go talk to, and do everything together with.
so you keep looking. and you try your hardest. you might say things a little differently, just so you can finally find this person to be the "one."
people come and go.
so then you start to just have multiple friends. and you think to yourself, there's no way this will work. i like having lots of friends, but without that one closest friend, how can i keep all the other ones straight?
but you try.
you try your hardest, but it's not working.
now here's the good part. are you paying attention?
God comes. He does something big. He brings lots of new, special people into your life. no, i'm not talking about that "special someone," i'm just talking about friends worthy to have your loyalty. He gives you all these blessings you don't deserve, all these friends that start to leave the thumbprints of God all over you. and you know what? you like that.
so you get used to having lots of friends, because you know what the important thing is?
God is your number one friend. you're realizing now that these people are going to come and go. because after all people do that, you know. but now you have newfound hope. what's the difference, you might say?
GOD.
God moved you in a radical way. and now instead of thinking me, me, me, you're thinking GOD, GOD, GOD. instead of wanting to fit your "needs" by finding a new best friend, you just want to reach others with the good news of Jesus Christ and that He is the best friend you will ever have.
now don't get me wrong here, you see those pictures of you and your best friend from a couple years ago and go, wow, i miss that. but when you remember God's love and how big it is, it fills up the hole in your heart, little by little. and we can only hope that one day, that hole will not just be filled, but will be overflowing so that you may share His love with others.
in case you didn't figure it out, this is my story. and the last part is one of the most important. the whole reason i would share this story is so that anyone who reads this would catch a glimpse of God's love and the healing that only He can do. God loves you no matter where you are, what you've done, what you're going through. and whether you've lost a best friend, or are going through something much more heartwrenching, i promise:
He can heal you.
one day, you can have a person who is your VERY best friend. i'm talking like B.F.F's. and then the next they move on and you are all alone.. or so you think.
so you go on this search for a new best friend? why do we even do that?
WHY? because we need people in our lives. but why does it have to be so hard?
people come and go.
so then you find your new best friend, but something goes wrong there. so you gotta start all over again. only this time, you never "find" another one. and at first, you feel like the lonliest person on the planet. we're talking ultimate depression here. why does this happen to me, God? is it too much to ask for a close friend to have?
but you try to adjust. you go from friend to friend, trying to find the one who you just click with, you know what i'm talking about? the one that you could say anything, anything at all, and they would totally get you, they wouldn't judge you; if you needed to vent, they would listen, if you wanted advice, they'd give it to you, etc. etc.
but alas, you can't find this person. so life itself seems to be over for you. sure, life goes on, but it doesn't mean much because when something happens, you don't have this person to go talk to, and do everything together with.
so you keep looking. and you try your hardest. you might say things a little differently, just so you can finally find this person to be the "one."
people come and go.
so then you start to just have multiple friends. and you think to yourself, there's no way this will work. i like having lots of friends, but without that one closest friend, how can i keep all the other ones straight?
but you try.
you try your hardest, but it's not working.
now here's the good part. are you paying attention?
God comes. He does something big. He brings lots of new, special people into your life. no, i'm not talking about that "special someone," i'm just talking about friends worthy to have your loyalty. He gives you all these blessings you don't deserve, all these friends that start to leave the thumbprints of God all over you. and you know what? you like that.
so you get used to having lots of friends, because you know what the important thing is?
God is your number one friend. you're realizing now that these people are going to come and go. because after all people do that, you know. but now you have newfound hope. what's the difference, you might say?
GOD.
God moved you in a radical way. and now instead of thinking me, me, me, you're thinking GOD, GOD, GOD. instead of wanting to fit your "needs" by finding a new best friend, you just want to reach others with the good news of Jesus Christ and that He is the best friend you will ever have.
now don't get me wrong here, you see those pictures of you and your best friend from a couple years ago and go, wow, i miss that. but when you remember God's love and how big it is, it fills up the hole in your heart, little by little. and we can only hope that one day, that hole will not just be filled, but will be overflowing so that you may share His love with others.
in case you didn't figure it out, this is my story. and the last part is one of the most important. the whole reason i would share this story is so that anyone who reads this would catch a glimpse of God's love and the healing that only He can do. God loves you no matter where you are, what you've done, what you're going through. and whether you've lost a best friend, or are going through something much more heartwrenching, i promise:
He can heal you.
September 7, 2009
the music inside of me.
i wrote this poem/song without words a little while back but hadn't finished it. i finally found it again and somehow finished it within about 30 seconds.. go figure. a lot of it is still true, although there are a couple pieces that are a little different, but i figured i'd leave it as is. here it goes.
There is music inside of me,
Sweet, sweet music…
The music fills my soul,
Fills it to the top.
I’m so full, but I can’t let it out.
The pain and sorrow covers it over.
Dear God, rescue my soul
And release this sweet music.
This music is not my own,
It comes from my God.
He holds me tight so I know
That I am not alone.
God, I keep running, running hard.
I want this music to overflow…
How can I express in words
What only my music can say?
There is music in my soul.
It is sweet, bright,
It is sorrowful, painful.
But how could you know?
God, will I be forever stuck
Singing someone else’s song?
Sweet, sweet music…
The music fills my soul,
Fills it to the top.
I’m so full, but I can’t let it out.
The pain and sorrow covers it over.
Dear God, rescue my soul
And release this sweet music.
This music is not my own,
It comes from my God.
He holds me tight so I know
That I am not alone.
God, I keep running, running hard.
I want this music to overflow…
How can I express in words
What only my music can say?
There is music in my soul.
It is sweet, bright,
It is sorrowful, painful.
But how could you know?
God, will I be forever stuck
Singing someone else’s song?
August 31, 2009
beautiful
today as i drove home from school, i was listening to a song by leeland called "carried to the table." and as i listened about coming before the throne of God and not being able to see my brokenness, i simply looked up at the sky and clouds. i've done this countless times, no doubt, but this time just seemed a little different.
instead of trying to make myself think, "wow, how could God make something so amazing," or "i can't even grasp the awesomeness of my God," (even though both of those things are true), i just sat there and thought, "wow, that's beautiful..." for some reason, i got a lot more satisfaction and warmth inside my heart just by marveling at the beauty of the sky and the clouds as the backdrop for the trees, instead of trying to figure out how they got there.
i don't know if there's a hidden lesson in this or not, but if i had to point one out, i would say,
just like the song i was listening to said, "and i don't see my brokenness anymore when i'm seated at the table of the Lord," i kinda forget my struggles and hardships in my daily life when i just sit and marvel at the beauty of God's creation.
i had never done that before... i always told myself, you should be wondering about the awesomeness of this and how this happened and the fact that you can't get your mind around it; and although it's true and good to do that, i never just sat and saw how beautiful everything is.
and it's a shame i've missed that for so long,
because when you look past the sin and filth of the world, it really is
beautiful.
instead of trying to make myself think, "wow, how could God make something so amazing," or "i can't even grasp the awesomeness of my God," (even though both of those things are true), i just sat there and thought, "wow, that's beautiful..." for some reason, i got a lot more satisfaction and warmth inside my heart just by marveling at the beauty of the sky and the clouds as the backdrop for the trees, instead of trying to figure out how they got there.
i don't know if there's a hidden lesson in this or not, but if i had to point one out, i would say,
just like the song i was listening to said, "and i don't see my brokenness anymore when i'm seated at the table of the Lord," i kinda forget my struggles and hardships in my daily life when i just sit and marvel at the beauty of God's creation.
i had never done that before... i always told myself, you should be wondering about the awesomeness of this and how this happened and the fact that you can't get your mind around it; and although it's true and good to do that, i never just sat and saw how beautiful everything is.
and it's a shame i've missed that for so long,
because when you look past the sin and filth of the world, it really is
beautiful.
August 30, 2009
feeling God's love.
lately i've been praying that i would really be able to feel God's presence in me, like i could feel His touch. He has certainly answered this prayer already. this past week at school we had what's called 180 week, where we have sort of a "revival" and hopefully make a 180 turn from what we're doing and run as hard as we can back to God. so we have chapel three days this week instead of our normal once a week. i can't fully describe what i felt in those days in chapel.
for one thing, i got to hear my whole school singing together praises to God. and i know that not everyone was singing, but it just filled my heart to hear the voices of my fellow students joining together to give praises to God. i'd never heard that before in school, so i'm really excited for chapel throughout the year.
the second powerful thing was when we were singing "how he loves" by kim walker. the band was definitely belting it out with amazing talent, but i don't think that's why i got the chills when i had been sweating before due to the heat in the room. i honestly believe that God was letting me know in a tiny way how huge His love is for me. and i don't think i'd ever felt like it was so real as it was then.
then this morning at church, we prayed for my children's minister who recently found out that she has breast cancer. i've known this woman for almost my entire life, and her daughter is a good friend of mine, so the battle they're facing is slightly more real to me. after we prayed as a congregation for her and her family, we sang a song about how in God's presence, i am undone, and all my fears are melted away. and again, i got the chills as i thought, "wow. i can feel God's presence as i'm singing about it right now."
this is all so crazy, i don't really know what to do with it but just be thankful for it.
if you've never felt God's love like i have the past few days, i pray that you feel it soon. it will overwhelm you like you never imagined it could.
for one thing, i got to hear my whole school singing together praises to God. and i know that not everyone was singing, but it just filled my heart to hear the voices of my fellow students joining together to give praises to God. i'd never heard that before in school, so i'm really excited for chapel throughout the year.
the second powerful thing was when we were singing "how he loves" by kim walker. the band was definitely belting it out with amazing talent, but i don't think that's why i got the chills when i had been sweating before due to the heat in the room. i honestly believe that God was letting me know in a tiny way how huge His love is for me. and i don't think i'd ever felt like it was so real as it was then.
then this morning at church, we prayed for my children's minister who recently found out that she has breast cancer. i've known this woman for almost my entire life, and her daughter is a good friend of mine, so the battle they're facing is slightly more real to me. after we prayed as a congregation for her and her family, we sang a song about how in God's presence, i am undone, and all my fears are melted away. and again, i got the chills as i thought, "wow. i can feel God's presence as i'm singing about it right now."
this is all so crazy, i don't really know what to do with it but just be thankful for it.
if you've never felt God's love like i have the past few days, i pray that you feel it soon. it will overwhelm you like you never imagined it could.
August 25, 2009
colds.
sneezing, runny and stuffy nose, sore throat, sinus headaches: these are all common symptoms of the common cold.
yep, i've got all that. it's one of the joys in my life -- having to blow my nose every five seconds and not being able to breathe. oh, and speaking of not breathing, this also includes not being able to smell or taste either. and did i mention how hard it is to try to go to sleep when you have to "come up for air" in order to get enough oxygen? like i said, it's one of the greatest joys in my life.
so today i went to the doctor for this cold, but what did i get?
an ear wash.
yeah, i'd never heard of it either. apparently my right ear was all waxed up so they had to clean it out. that was definitely an adventure i won't discuss in detail.
but anyway, since i went to the doctor i was able to get some drugs (yay) to hopefully get rid of this cold and *cross my fingers* will make me drowsy tonight.
gotta love that.
gotta love colds.
yep, i've got all that. it's one of the joys in my life -- having to blow my nose every five seconds and not being able to breathe. oh, and speaking of not breathing, this also includes not being able to smell or taste either. and did i mention how hard it is to try to go to sleep when you have to "come up for air" in order to get enough oxygen? like i said, it's one of the greatest joys in my life.
so today i went to the doctor for this cold, but what did i get?
an ear wash.
yeah, i'd never heard of it either. apparently my right ear was all waxed up so they had to clean it out. that was definitely an adventure i won't discuss in detail.
but anyway, since i went to the doctor i was able to get some drugs (yay) to hopefully get rid of this cold and *cross my fingers* will make me drowsy tonight.
gotta love that.
gotta love colds.
August 24, 2009
Ephesians 5:1-2
As a new blogger, i think my number one thing to say on my first blog should be my "mission." i have great hope for the world to be changed for the better, because i know that my God is big enough. i have faith in Him to work through me and my fellow followers in Christ that we can change the world through His strength, one person at a time by taking Jesus as He is to people as they are.
another part of this is my verse for the year, Ephesians 5:1-2, which says, "Therefore be imitators of God as dear children. And walk in love, as Christ also has loved us and given himself for us, an offering and a sacrifice to God for a sweet-smelling aroma."
This verse is not just my verse for the year, but my life verse and mission statement: to imitate the love of Christ to others just as He has shown his powerful love to me.
i'm excited to get to share bits of my life and what God is doing in my life through this blog. prepare yourself for a crazy journey!
another part of this is my verse for the year, Ephesians 5:1-2, which says, "Therefore be imitators of God as dear children. And walk in love, as Christ also has loved us and given himself for us, an offering and a sacrifice to God for a sweet-smelling aroma."
This verse is not just my verse for the year, but my life verse and mission statement: to imitate the love of Christ to others just as He has shown his powerful love to me.
i'm excited to get to share bits of my life and what God is doing in my life through this blog. prepare yourself for a crazy journey!
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