babbling.

part one.
i keep finding myself looking at other girls, thinking, "i wish that part about her could be something i have."
and it's not really physical things, like beauty and such.
it's things like, "hm.. i wish i could know how to put outfits together like that and, as weird as it might seem, have it look as cute as that."
or, "wow, i totally wish i could be as creative as her... i wish that the lyrics inside of my head and soul could pour out as music like she does it. how does she do that, anyway?"

there's this girl inside of my head that i kind've long to be, but i'm not sure if it would be who i really am or not.
that vintage, indie, creative, quirky, ditsy, awkward, cute, precious girl.
do i really want to be that?
i'd like to think so, but...
i just don't think it's possible.

part two.
i am so tired of school.
i am tired of feeling a slight pang of guilt as i constantly complain about the advanced classes that i signed up for. that were my choice.
but at the same time, the complaints are legit.
i am utterly, completely, absolutely -- burned out. drained. exhausted.

i'm so grateful for these two snow days we've had, because i desperately needed them.
i feel like i'm finishing empty every day yet still traveling a hundred miles with no gas.
don't you think that would be just a wee bit difficult in some type of machine?
yeah. so imagine it being done in a person. it's just a little bit tiresome.
i'm very ready for it to be May, when i will be on my junior trip to new york, d.c., and white water rafting.
i am ecstatic about this trip. plus, once we get back, i will officially be..... a senior in high school. which leads me to....

part three.
i think about 1/4 of me is not ready to be a senior. to be in the final stage of my high school career, to be growing up and almost "out on my own" (sort of), and to be moving on to college.
the other 3/4 of me could not be more ready.
i am ready to meet new people, try new things, and start learning things that i actually want to know about -- speech pathology. i can't wait.

part four. (if you're growing weary, this is the final part.)
i am absolutely sick and tired of feeling lonely. yes, i do find comfort in my relationship with God. and He does give me peace and joy. (jump for joy.)
however, i am still human, and i still have earthly desires.
i am tired of the majority of my authentic friendships being found in those i only get to see once or twice a week at church. i'm tired of having shallow, unable to be trusted people as my "friends." and i am so tired of drama i could vomit.
can we not just be straight up with people, and go about it in a nice way?
and can we not hate people for pretty much no reason? (i'm preaching to myself too here).
it's sickening.
final thing: i'm pretty sure at this point that i need to stop putting so much faith in romantic movies. because so far i have never seen a real, lasting relationship work like a fairytale.
and i'm tired of getting my hopes up for having that someday, when i'm pretty sure that's not even what i really want or need.
still... i can't help but want it sometimes. or at least something resembling that. or at least something at all.


so.
i've successfully rambled on about pretty much pointless crap for the past half hour.
but.. if you're reading this and you know me well enough, you should know that i'm pretty much like this in real life too, so why not make this a blog post. making it as real as possible.
hope you didn't fall asleep or get so bored you could cry. and, if you did, and you kept reading it all the way through, i'm pretty sure that makes you a little weirder than i am for chasing rabbits like this. so. i'm done now. glad i got it all out. :)